Know your club : Manchester United

Merchandise United is a mediocre club in Madchester which sometimes wins trophies on the account of its incessant cheating. Their stadium at Old Trafford supports upto 76000 glory hunters. The fans take heart and joy from winning The shitty Carling cup. Their stadium is nicknamed the Theatre of Dreams because its fans can only keep dreaming about it becoming the greatest team. Merchandise United will never be the greatest because its headed by the biggest prick known to mankind - Sir Alex Ferguson. This gum-chewing, always-whining, narcissist prick is treated like a divine figure at Old Trafford. In fact, the only difference between Alex Ferguson & God is that God doesnt think he's Alex Ferguson. Alex was awarded the knighthood in '99 so that he could retire for the good of football, but the prickly cunt just wouldnt go out. Sir Alex was in a live-in relation with David Beckham. But then Beckham married Posh, which led to Alex throwing a boot at him, and consequently Alex sold Beckham to a circus. After this, Alex promptly married an unknown by the name of Cristiano Ronaldo. Their relation lasted 6 good years until the circus came again & paid 80M£ for the services of Ronaldo. He also uses a legendary Hair-Drying™ technique so that style icons like Beckham & Ronaldo always look neat on the pitch.
The team chemistry of Manchester United is very strong as they regularly take part in team orgies. Rooney and Ronaldo pair up very competently when left alone in a room. The feminine side of Ronaldo i.e. the only side of Ronaldo very well complements the ferocity of the beast Rooney. Rooney is seen dejected lately because Ronaldo has been sold to a circus. He is finding alternatives with Owen more than willing to be a replacement. Berbatov was touted to be a replacement, but the Bulgarian was too lazy to bend over for Rooney. The team has 'stuck' together through a lot in all times. Hence they named themselves UNITED.


The team :

1. Ed Van magic Sar : Is a character from Lord of the rings. He is mythical. Uses Magic to stop the ball from going into the net
2. Gary Never-well : As brittle as glass. Fractured his cheekbone once, while shaving.
3. Farty Evra : Farts whenever an opposition player comes around. The resulting stench leaves the opposition player gasping for breath.
4. Owen Hardgrease : Has a fetish for having sex in the medical room. Hence, doesnt want to leave the room.
5. Rio Forward-friend : He is a friend of the opposition forwards. Always assists them to score goals.
6. Wheres Brown : When an opposition player breaks down the Right Flank, Everyone has only question in their mind, "Wheres Brown ?"
7. Midget Owen : Not available for the next season because he injured his wrist while signing for United. Friend & companion to Owen Hardgrease on the injury table.
8. Anderfun : The odds of him scoring are 243253 : 1
9. Lame-star Berbatov : Some questions are unanswered. Does god exist ? Is there extraterrestrial life ? Is time travel possible ? Can Berbatov move ?
10. Main Phoney : Now that CR is sold to the circus, responsibility falls on Main's shoulders. Only now will the world discover that he is a phoney.
11. Ryan Pigs : Hates shaving his chest. Eats like a pig.
12. When Foster : Foster son of Alex. Hence, in the team inspite of his shite abilities.
13. Ji Sung Narc : Is a player on drugs. Smuggles drugs in and out of Korea. Sometimes, also plays football.
15. Nemanja Riddick : He is a superhero from the time of Riddick. Destroys any player coming his way.
16. Michael Prick : Looks like a footballer, Dresses like a footballer, Doesnt play like one.
17. Luis Nani : Wanna be Ronaldo, But cant dive or whine. He's got grass on his head instead of hair.
18. Foul Scholes : Given the responsibility to take out the oppositions most dangerous player by a dangerous tackle.
19. Danny Sell-Back : So shite that United are looking for the club which conned them into buying him
22. John O'Sheesh : Brought as a part of the "Bring a bum to work" day
24. Darren Stretcher : Primarily used for carrying the stretchers around. Also used as a player if everyone else is injured
41. Federico Macheda : An Italian kid. Is still in preschool. Loves playing football in the garden with his sister.

Macheda in the garden with his sister

New signings :

Obertan : No one had heard his name in the world, or even France, or even his locality for that matter. But just because United have signed him, He's the next big thing.
Antonio Valencia : Bought for a pack of crisps & a couple of pencils. Overpriced.

Know your club : Arsenal

Arsenal FC are a French club who ply their trade in England for some unknown reason. Some say that there is a conspiracy to overtake England by populating it with French footballers. Arsenal are managed by the French Cunt Arsene Whine-ger who has a permenant frown etched on his face. They are permenantly under the shadow of Merchandise United. Primarily, they are a profit making organization where they bring in players worth less than the average income of a beggar in Albania and sell them at more than 10M£. To know more about the origins of these players, refer to the worst 10 countries in the world in Google. No one knows where the profit goes, because they dont buy any players above 3.15£, but it is widely rumored that the money is used to service Arsene's cunt. Arsene is a paedophile who promises young kids money in exchange for their services both on & off the pitch. As a result, young Kieran Gibbs broke down in a Arse-Anal v/s Merchandise United match due to the swelling in his arse. The requirements to be a player at Arsenal is to be under the age of 9, disability to speak English, sinister looking, unable to play football and possessing a great arse for the manager's use. They love passing the ball and as a general rule, have to complete 23432 passes before shooting. The snoring of the fans is the only sound that comes out of Emirates.



Some of the players that play for Arsenal FC are :

1. Manuel Al-Qaida - A Spanish terrorist in hiding. Seen more often dying his hair to escape Police, than in goal
2. Abu baby - Isnt a footballer. Simply isnt
3. Carry Lasagna - Always carries lasagna which once dropped onto his head and hence resulted in his current hairstyle
4. Cesc Fragilas - A fragile & vulnerable overrated female who can pass the ball once in a while
7. Tomas Sicky - Hes so out of action, that no one even remembers him anymore
8. Samir Nazi - Is a german in disguise from the past. Has travelled through time which can be seen through his hairstyle
9. Eduardo Da Wheelie - Always found in a wheelchair. Even when playing
10. William Jealous - This dumb,bald, hand-balling, team-disrupting, somewhat defending, money-obsessed Motherfucker is jealous that Arsene prefers Cesc to him.
11. Raping Van Persie - Admitted to being gay. Has a serious crush on Fabregas, but then who in Arsenal doesnt ?
14. Three-o Smallcot - Scored a hat-trick for England. Has done nothing since. Everyone but Theo & Arsene have realized that he is shite.
16. Aaron Ramsey - Chose Arsenal over other clubs. Both Arsenal & Ramsey are still regretting the transfer
17. Alexander Wrong - One was Alexander the great & the other was a fag at Arsenal
18. Milky Sil-Jester - Brought in as a clown to amuse the opposition forwards
19. Jack 'Wanna-be-Giggs' Wilshere - A player, waiting to be sold, once developed
22. Gay Cliche - Did it regularly with Eboue. Until he sadly discovered that Eboue wasnt a man
23. Angry Arshavin - Wanted to play for Barcelona. Ended up playin for the poor man's Barca.
26. Dickless Bendtner - A famous party joke
27. Emmanuel E-booo-E - His greatest moment came when he succesfully completed a stunning 2-yard pass to Cesc